The Ol' Switcheroo
by wildpeace
Summary: Post Sadie Hawkins. Puck's worrying that this is all starting to look eerily familiar.


The Ol' Switcheroo.

Jake had rolled his eyes and called him gross, and reminded him that Kitty was both underhanded and underage. Then he'd gone back to tying his tie in the mirror and checking himself out when he thought his brother's back was turned.

Artie had high-fived him and asked if he was still on probation while trying not to obviously stare at Sugar Motta's shapely ass. He couldn't blame the longing look on it simply being 'at eye level'.

When Tina had heard he'd been emailed over a dozen links ranging from condom sellers, to a website reminding him of the legal age of consent in Ohio, to a list of local therapists, to . He kind of wanted to email back and tell her to mind her own business until she stops trying to get the gay guy to stick it to her - _yeah,he's heard - _but is really isn't quite sure whether to be offended or feel cared for, in an odd way. So he just ignores it.

When he picks Kitty up for the dance she's hot and all with her hair freed from it's Cheerios pony, but her dad looks at him like he's a creep, which he supposes he kind of is. He wants to assure her father than she kind of reminds him of his own daughter but he's not sure how well that'll go down. They hit Breadstix before the dance and he watches her pick at a salad as he demolishes a plate of carbonara (bad Jew but it tastes so good) and they watch other McKinley couples wander in and out in their dance finery. Kitty lashes them verbally or with simply a self-satisfied laugh - as though speaking a 'well done for trying' without words - but Puck's not impressed. Hell, he dated Santana, Quinn and Lauren Zizes. He knows bitches. And this girl is trying way too hard.

When they're dancing and she tells him she read his screen play - and he has promise - alarm bells start ringing in his ears. She leans in slightly closer and looks up at him with hope and - oh good lord - smiles. Like he somehow has potential. Like she could maybe change him, make him into a better man, stop him from being a Lima loser if he just sticks with her. He's seen this look before; it makes his stomach clench.

He takes her outside because well, he needs to air and she offered him sex, but in the back of his head he can hear another girl's - woman's -voice laughing at him and calling him pathetic before sweeping away with a swish of her own blonde ponytail. He's pretty sure he'd felt the burn of Jake's eyes on him as he'd left too, hot and disappointed and judging. As they reach his Mom's Camero, Kitty's hand is his feels clammy.

Leaning against the car door, teen body lithe and bendy and lips pouted, she bats her eyelashes - I know you want me - but from behind them her eyes scream - I'm not ready. In her sparkly dress she looks like a little kid playing princess. "I'm not going to bleed," she whispers into his neck, as though it's something seductive to get him in the mood. "I used to horseback ride."

The non-sequitur starts a feeling of nausea that sweeps over him and makes his body flush with heat - but not in a good way. He's just figuring out what to say when a voice from behind interrupts them.

"Long time no see Puckerman."

Relief crashes. Crashes and roars in his ears and yeah, okay, she looks like she's going to somebody's funeral instead of a school dance but Lauren Zizes in any outfit is a sight for fucking sore and regretful eyes.

"Zizes," he greets in reply, and finds himself inching away from Kitty, who still leans against his car. "What's shaking?"

She shrugs, and he finds himself staring at her voluptuous bosom as it rises and falls with her sigh (old habits die hard). "Not a lot - dance is kind of lame. Just waiting on Joe to call his mom, get a ride home. Offered him some fun with the girls," she explains, nodding her head towards her breasts, "but he turned me down. Turns out he really is as God-y as he says."

He's not sure it's an intentional slight but out of the corner of his eye he can see Kitty recoil.

Casually running his hand through his hair - and then remembering he no longer has any hair - he quirks a smile at her. "Joe huh? Surprised you're not going after Puckerman 2.0. I thought you dug the milk chocolate?"

She snorts and it's both unladylike and completely sexy. "He's a Sophomore. And Zizes doesn't do cradle robbing."

That one definitely _is_ intentional. Her eyebrows raise and her smile is judgmental and quirked and yeah, okay, now he really feels like a dirty bastard. He kind of wants to tell her that this whole thing had started off as him trying to be helpful - the good older brother - but somehow had gotten away from him. He kind of wants to tell her that things always seem to get away from him.

"Hey Lauren, are you ready?"

Teen Jesus has a scarf wrapped around his neck and his dreads pulled back and looks innocent and infinitely patient as he walks up to the group. Seeing Kitty and Puck, he raises a hand in greeting, but Lauren stares at Puck for a long hard moment - prompting in silence - and he finds himself answering.

"Hey Joe, you mind taking Kitty home instead? Lauren and I, we've got some catching up to do. Old friends, you know?"

Lauren smiles and pushes her glasses up her nose and Joe shrugs his shoulders with an easy-going nod. "Sure."

Kitty, on the other hand, looks furious. Pulling him aside, she hisses in his ear. "Are you kidding me? You could have all of this,"she says as she indicates her body, "on a silver platter, and instead you're ditching me for what? Chubby sex with the Pillsbury dough girl over there?"

She's enraged and embarrassed and in a way he _does_ feel sorry for her. In another way he kind of wishes Lauren could overhear because after all, she's the only woman who ever went toe to toe with Santana Lopez and came out fighting. She could destroy this little bit of a wannabee bitch in the time it would take him to spit. Still, as Kitty faces him, body vibrating with rage, he finds himself reaching out and gripping her shoulder. "Here's the thing kid," he starts, and he knows she's insulted by the title, but really it's never felt more fitting. "You're hot. I get it. But I've done the whole bitchy blonde cheerleader who prays for forgiveness before jacking you off thing. It doesn't end well. So look, stay away from me, okay? Find some nice preppy guy who wants to wait and won't get you drunk on wine coolers so he can get into your pants. For your own sake."

His hand wraps around her wrist and he's tugging her back towards Joe and Lauren before she even has time to formulate a reply. He knocks a kiss to her cheek and passes her off to Teen Jesus (safe hands) before getting into his car and pushing the passenger door open. "Get in," he calls to Lauren. "We'll go eat ice cream out front of the women's gym; see if we can make any of them cry."

She laughs, but complies, and they pull out of the parking lot with a squeal.

From the tarmac, Joe watches Kitty as she stares after the rapidly disappearing car. "'By testing you may discern what is the will of God'," he quotes with a gentle shrug.

"Shut up," she snaps back, pushing her hair behind her ear, but she doesn't stop him from resting his arm gently around her shoulders.

He doesn't say anything more, but hums 'he's got the whole world in his hands' quietly under his breath until his mom arrives, and she's surprised that it makes her feel a little better.

xxx


End file.
